Feeling Flush?

OK now let's talk crap! You know, the s__t word, and it isn't slit, spit, smit or skit.

At least once a day, most of us (the lucky majority who are not afflicted with irregular 'movements') take time out from, or prior to, our busy day, to visit the smallest room in the house, variously known as follows:

• Lavatory or just Lav - common usage for a place with washing facilities, and used throughout the world by airlines (I often worry if any passengers have ever been lost into the bowels of the plane when flushing mid-flight, as the suction is impressive, to say the least);  
• Loo - arguably either derived from a 'Waterloo' cistern, named in honour of the Battle of Waterloo (perhaps this is the origin of 'sh_t fight'?), or from the shouted warning of "gardyloo" prior to raw sewage being thrown into the street in 'olden days' in Edinburgh (about as effective as "look out!" because that's the last thing you should do), or from an old nautical term for lee (if you're not sure, while leisurely sailing on your yacht (sans toilet), which side is windward and which leeward, then you're sure to learn quickly from your error, as your jettisoned human waste comes back to pungently remind you - act in haste, regret at leisure); 
• WC or water closet - this should be self evident (except for those who may have mistakingly just come out of it); 
• Khazi - derived from the Cockney slang 'carsey' with possible Spanish 'casa' origins, but now reportedly only used in Liverpool (perhaps it hitched a ride from London on one of those airline lavs, no doubt accompanied by the Beatles singing "Isn't it good, khazi seat wood"?); 
• Bog - this is used almost exclusively by the poms and provides a visual graphic of the cess pit where pre-water-flush excrement used to end up (not to be mistaken for the Irish bogs where they keep aliens, poorly disguised as marsh-ins); 
• Dunny -  on home ground now, this is a term used here in Oz for all toilets, although it was undoubtedly first applied to a simply constructed timber and corrugated iron 'outhouse', where the clueless occupant might come across a redback spider or two, or even the occasional, non-euphemistic brown snake (to this day, many Aussies check under the seat before 'pointing Percy at the porcelein' or sitting down to 'strangle a Mars bar', since, to do otherwise may lead to you finding out who your best friends are). I also remember the term 'dunny' being used extensively in Scotland;  

• John - an exclusively American term (my sympathies go to the 5.1 million males who bear this name in the US alone); 
• Privy - another North of England and Scottish term , possibly derived from 'private place' (about the only place that dad used to be able to go and read the newspaper peacefully away from the kids);  
• Crapper - being the place where one takes a 'crap'.  Undoubtedly the biggest misconception on this planet is that the flushing toilet was invented by Thomas Crapper, who patented a profusion of plumbing paraphernalia (it is now commonly accepted that this is an absolute load of crap);  
• Latrine - a term adopted by the US Military (not obvious from where this is derived, and so I have to admit I just can't get to the bottom of it); 
• Sh_thouse (there goes that word again) - should be fairly obvious usage in the context of this post (although, anywhere else, there may be some ambiguity, as it could also arguably be applied to a residence of dubious design and construction). 

But, while you sit in slight to moderate comfort on your throne of choice, spare a thought for how the modern flushing toilet has come about. This reference to comfort is, of course, based on the assumption that you are neither a resident of, nor a visitor to, Japan, in which case you would be sitting in air and water temperature controlled, automated, ecstatically pleasing comfort. The Japanese have taken the hygiene of the lower private regions to the ultimate and, quite literally, have an impressive 'arsenal' of tools to tickle your fancy, while you are deliberating over your daily dunny duty.

So, back to the porcelain throne and the origins of the water flush mechanism, which magnificently moves your malodorous magic doughnuts into sealed sewerage, to be ultimately treated far from the sensitive probosci of today's refined populous.

Now that we have established that Thomas Crapper, fine manufacturer of plumbing paraphernalia that he may have undoubtedly been, did not invent the water flushing 'crapper' as we know it, then who indeed was the culprit responsible for first toning down the septic stench of sewage in our modern day palatial residences?

The Egyptians reportedly introduced flushing of household bathrooms into clay pipes with water some 4500 years ago. Then later came the Romans who reportedly erected latrines with a stone seat over water channels draining into a public sewage transportation system.

The Europeans, however, were slow on the uptake, and were quite unaware of the connection between cholera outbreaks and the stench of raw sewerage overflowing down their streets. Although Leonardo da Vinci set 'plume to parchment' on this subject of dissipating the doo doos of the Medicis by water flushing, his idea was considered preposterous in his day (in spite of the evolving Renaissance around him), not unlike his other brilliant concept inventions, which were not only way before their time, but way beyond the comprehension of his peers: 

• the 'idiotic' flying machine and helicopter (neither of which ideas 'got off the ground'); or 
• the animated robot (the original I-tie AI); or 
• the scuba gear (the only dive this frogman fore-runner experienced was in the Venetian 'shock market').

And so, it wasn't until 1596 that a writer of some distinction, Sir John Harrington (presumably a beBee blogger, or equivalent, of his time) published his "Plan Plots of a Privy of Perfection".  This accomplished alliterating aristocrat, presumably leaning on his silver spoon contacts, followed his penned presentation, by constructing the first (and by all accounts rather basic) flushing water closet for none other than Queen Elizabeth 1, thus, no doubt being a gambling man, he unwittingly produced the first 'Royal Flush'.

Soon there was a stream of septic sanitary salvationists, lead by Alexander Cummings in 1775 (a watchmaker with too much time on his hands) who took out the first working WC patent. Then there was cabinetmaker Joseph Bramah  in 1778, and a Church of England priest, Henry Moule, in 1860, both of whom added various engineering solutions to improved upon the concept, although the privy was still claimed to be somewhat on the nose.  It wasn't until the infamous self proclaimed industrial plumber, Thomas Crapper, came along that the pull-chain was invented and an air tight seal produced, along with a piped vent through the roof. But the icing on the cake, by way of the porcelain throne, didn't arrive on the scene until old mate Tommy Crapper teamed up with potter Thomas Twyford.

I still remember, as a uni student back in the 'olden days', and after a long evening earnestly studying the anthropology of the beer swilling naked ape, eventually worshipping the porcelain goddess with offerings of technicolour yawns, and vaguely deciphering, through a stream of toxic tears, the unforgettable "Thomas Twyford of Twickenham" written indelibly on her altar.

And so the fully functional public convenience came of age.

...................<<..................>>...................

Bibliography

Assuming that you enjoyed this romp through the origins of toilet water, I hasten to add that, while the words and humour in the foregoing post are my own, the collection of toilet vernacular and historical data came from the following links: 

http://www.toiletinspector.com/toilet-names 

https://www.plumbingsupply.com/flushingtoilethistory.html  

Now if perhaps you though this post was as offensive, distasteful and malodorous as the 'long drop' and its unsanitised contents, then all I can say is there are far worse ways to have a sh_ty time ..... try dropping your watch in the toilet.

...................<<..................>>...................

http://ken-boddie.squarespace.com

The author of the above, Ken Boddie, besides being a sometime poet and occasional writer, is an enthusiastic photographer, rarely leisure-travelling without his Canon, and loves to interact with other like-minded people with diverse interests.

Ken's three day work week (part time commitment) as a consulting engineer allows him to follow his photography interests, and to plan trips to an ever increasing list of countries and places of scenic beauty and cultural diversity.