Ken Boddie

2 years ago · 12 min. reading time · ~100 ·

Blogging
>
Ken blog
>
What doesn't kill you, makes you ... linga longa?

What doesn't kill you, makes you ... linga longa?

Ker a

a fy a

Most of you reading this will know that Australia has a goodly line up of beasts and critters, on land and in our oceans, guaranteed to cause you grief should you be unfortunate enough to stumble across them in their own environment, and without your wits about you.  In fact, even having your wits close to hand and fully functional may not help you if you unknowingly do the wrong thing and antagonise one of our locals in the wrong place and time and when they believe you may be a threat.  And then there's the beasts and critters.

I exaggerate a tad, of course, but here's some ground rules to take on board if you decide to visit us ‘down under’ in the present COVID-ly uncertain, roll-the-dice circumstances. No doubt you'll first undertake a full risk analysis of the full range of hazards to which you may be exposed (having first evaluated the probability of occurrence coupled with the personal fallout in terms of consequential damage).  Here are some of these hazards, which I've prepared and attempted to personalise for you, in advance and in anticipation of your arrival, should your analysis mistakenly result in a series of low risk assessments, or should you alternatively decide to say, “Stuff it, I'm coming anyway!”

Our Customs

I am not referring to our quaint customs or habits, such as ‘hanging, drawing and quartering’ all visitors who fail to pay for a round of drinks when it's their turn in the local pub.  Nor am I referring to the inevitable optimistic habit that some of our brethren have of stating that “she'll be right, mate,” when we're up to the armpits in excrement and crocodiles, irrespective of whether the lady is right handed or left handed.  No, I'm referring to having to run the gauntlet of our Customs and Biosecurity border force officers at the airport or other point of entry into our endearing country.  

First, there's the crystal ball choice you must make when planning your trip, and the ensuing toss of the coin wrt your chances of actually getting into the country, then leaving to go home when you've had enough, without being generously accommodated (entirely at your own cost) and exposed to the delights and associated confines of our quarantine detention system.  Then there's the long list of things you should not bring into Oz with you, hence being invited to reside at Her Majesty’s pleasure for an extended period at worst, or being slapped with a hefty fine at best, guaranteed to remove from your person all funds painstakingly saved up to enable you to live (while here in the ‘lucky country’) in the manner in which you mistakingly believe you should be accustomed.

The things you cannot bring in, and which thousands of visitors to our shores each year invariably claim ignorance about, include the following:

  • “Illegal pornography, firearms, weapons or illicit drugs.”
Does this concealed
weapon make my
o]0]ag i leTe] Ql ol es

The incorrectly interpreted implication from this official wording, of course, is that some of these items may be legal and that only the illegal ones are banned from entry.  Irrespective, here is our unwritten action list for our government employees to sustainably recycle any and all of the above items that you accidentally ‘forget’ to declare:

  • All confiscated pornographic items will be later used to ‘entertain’ our hard working border patrol staff;
  • Confiscated weapons will invariably be used to supplement the meagre supply of air pistols and pop guns issued by our government to our armed forces for the defence of our borders against those who wish to bring in “illegal firearms, weapons”; and
  • Illicit drugs will be used to keep our politicians and their spin doctors on Cloud 9, where they have been residing in recent years, well away from the stresses and strains of reality, and hence avoiding managing, or even recognising, the urgent requirement for a transition to renewable energy sources, while burying their heads in the sand and generally maintaining an aura of “thumb in bum and mind in neutral”.

Then there's the following assortment of ad hoc items, often stowed (or even hidden) carefully in suitcases and which we are reliably informed may harbour dangerous bugs, resulting in harm to, or destruction of, our rare and unique flora and fauna:

  • "Meat, poultry, fish, seafood, eggs, dairy, fruit, vegetables;
  • Plants or parts of plants, including grains, seeds, nuts, bulbs, straw, wood, and traditional herbs or medicines;.
  • Animals, or animal products including pet food, specimens, birds, fish, insects, shells, and bee products; and
  • Soil, items with soil attached or used in freshwater areas e.g. sports/recreational equipment, shoes."

No argument here, but I suggest that, on the way through biosecurity control, you remember that there should be no ‘fishy’ business.  Take your time and keep your cool.  If you make a ‘bee’-line for the door you could get ‘stung’.  

You may also wish to state you have “no beef” with the above biosecurity policy.  

Unfortunately, many visitors from our neighbouring Asian and Australasian countries find it difficult to believe the focus of our biologists and scientists.  I guess it's a hard 'cell'.  

When all's done and dusted, however, our border force officers have your best interests at heart. So when they give you a form with a series of questions to fill out, just remember they are only trying to find out how ‘cultured’ you are.

Our Nasties

Here in Oz we have a unique and sensitive collection of fauna, residing in a well balanced environment.  Consequently, please tread carefully, lest you be stung, bitten, spiked or otherwise painfully initiated into one of our casualty departments, having upset nature's carefully assembled ecosystem by engaging in one of the following aggressive and eco-antagonistic activities:

  • Picking an argument (while partaking of one of our many popular water sports) with one of our many species of ocean apex predators, such as the great white shark, or one of our river and estuarine cleaner-up species, such as the bull shark, or attempting to wipe the smile from the face of a crocodile, all of which will invariably lead to your contaminating our pristine waters with your arterial or venous discharges and to a nasty amount of paperwork to be filled out by one of our many emergency services personnel.
  • Mistakingly thinking that you may leave the comparative safety of our tropical and semi-tropical Queensland, Western Australia or Northern Territory beaches during the hottest part of the year, to enter the coastal waters, where you will invariably attract the loving caresses of one or other of our myriads of ‘stingers’, such as the blue bottle, box or irakanji jellyfish.  The ensuing tender tentacle touches preferred by these creatures are much more excruciatingly painful than the hickies your teenage love interest bestowed on your neck, back in the day, forcing you to wear a turtle neck sweater. What's more, the treatment for tropical stinger caresses is to apply generous acidic fluids to the tender tenticle touch points.  Unless you have access to a bottle of vinegar then this is likely to lead to you finding who your best friends are, when you attempt to convey, through painfully gritted teeth, that you wish to be urinated on.
  • Jumping on top of a delightfully attractive blue ringed octopus, or attempting to impale oneself on the spikes of one of our stone fish, both of which species are frequent residents of the many coastal rock pools, in which so many of our visitors delight in pollutingly paddling.  These activities are severely frowned upon, as they may lead to upsetting the fragile balance that surrounds these eco-sensitive creatures, while creating another plethora of paperwork for our emergency services due to your inevitable untimely death.
  • Attempting to stand on one of our many venomous wrigglies, such as the eastern brown or inland taipan, while walking in the bush or carelessly strolling through long grass.  So many of our native snakes curl up to soak up the sun and, not wishing to disturb us as we stroll, have evolved fashionably delicate skin tones and colourations that cleverly match their surroundings.  These endearing and daintily decorated little souls are consequently disturbed and alarmed by our attempts to trod on their carefully coiled and camouflaged parts and will invariably react in a manner not unlike a spouse awoken from slumber by the entrance of a late coming and drunken other half into the sleeping chamber, by first hissing angrily and then striking out with the handiest weapon of choice, which, in the snake's case, are fangs charged with enough venom to stop this annoying human giant (and a gang of its mates) in its tracks. Perhaps think of the wriggly's reaction as the equivalent of the human spouse's venomous tongue and rolling pin combo.
Ever since I joined the union i'm ready to go on strike.
Ever since I joined the union i'm ready to go on strike.

I'm sure that you've already been warned that Australia has some 66 ("clickety click" in bingo parlance) of the world's most deadly beasties.  Just think, if we were to have one more then we could elevate this bingo call to “Stairway to heaven” (67).  But let me rather stop there and let you explore the possibilities for yourself regarding the many different ways that you can arrange to “meet your maker” in this land of endless possibilities.

Our Peculiarities

Apart from our local varieties of human species, many of whom could be re-labelled as ‘homo non-sapiens’, we have quite a few iconic and diverse wildlife species 90% of which are not to be found anywhere else.  Their continued survival is testament to their resilience plus some degree of luck, despite our continued efforts to eradicate their habitats by the following:

  • Massive amounts of bush clearing to enable our urban spread to advance, virtually unhindered by our weak and ineffective environmental laws.
  • Similar clearance activities echoed by our mining, logging, trawling and other deep sea fishing actives, not to forget agriculture.
  • The massive destruction caused by our bush fires and the havoc wreaked by cyclones, both of which are becoming more frequent and more intensive as we (including you) continue to ignore our effects as ‘homo non-sapiens’, on climate change and the planet.
  • And then there's the fastly disappearing Great Barrier Reef where the symbiotic relationship between the host coral and their colourful overcoat wearing algae is breaking down to leave increasingly devastated row upon row of white bleaching.  The most predominant cause of this bleaching, which has an alarming effect on the many species of fish and other fauna reliant on healthy reef systems around the world, is now undoubtedly human induced rising sea temperature, assisted to a lesser extent by pollution flowing into our streams and rivers, and by runoff from agricultural activities on the nearby coastal plains.

So perhaps it's time to seriously consider, other hazards aside, a trip ‘down under’, sooner rather than later, if you want to see these creatures before they ultimately disappear:

  • Kangaroo - This happy hopper seems cute enough in our wildlife parks and zoos and when boxing each other with those diminutive little arms, but be wary of those muscly big hind legs should you encounter a male on a mission in the wild. The big bulls will grab you, if threatened, with those weany arms, while leaning back on their tail and drawing those hind legs and sharp claws swiftly downwards to disembowel you, as quick as Sweeney Todd with a cut-throat razor. Leave those big grumpy buggers well alone is my advice, particularly since littering fines can be astronomical for spilling your guts all over our eco-sensitive flora.
Stick to roos in zoos!
Stick to roos in zoos!
  • Koala - This little cuty will have you queuing up to get your photo taken cuddling her, but don’t be offended if she doesn’t respond to your pleas to look at the camera or smile. She’s totally spaced out on eucalypus oil from the mere 30 out of 600 available species of gum trees that she will choose to eat. She’s certainly a picky eater and appears sluggish verging on somnambulant, but her doziness is in no way related to those illicit drugs that we confiscate from you at the airport. Rest assured that our politicians have cornered the market on the recycling of these (as explained above).
Chill out, man! And yeah, where's my sun glasses?
Chill out, man! And yeah, where's my sun glasses?
  • Emu - These uniquely handsome or beautiful birds, depending upon their sexual persuasion (we only practice sexual bias in Oz when we males are being beaten hands down by our opposite gender at sporting conflict) have huge eyes and eyelashes that many a movie star would die for.  They can't fly but are extremely fleet of foot, having been clocked at speeds of up to 50 km/hr (say 30 miles/hr), thus giving credibility to the famous bush ballad, Old Man Emu, written and performed by our iconic John Williamson.

"He can't fly, but I'm telling you, 

He can run the pants off a kangaroo."

  • They have two sets of eyelids to assist with preventing sand getting into their eyes and they frequently swallow stones with which they can grind their food in their gizzard. You just can't make up this kind of stuff.
Jeepers, creepers, where'd you get those peepers?
Jeepers, creepers, where'd you get those peepers?
  • Platypus - When the first duck-billed platypus skin was sent back to England by our early explorers, the Poms thought that this was an elaborate joke, never having seen before such a weird creature with the fur and pouch of a mammal that appeared to have had the beak of a duck expertly and undetectably ‘sewn’ onto it, not to mention its webbed front feet and beaver-like tail. Would the Poms have only known that these amazing mammals build nests for their eggs, then they would doubtless looked hard for the other leg to pull (ie the one that has bells on). These shy creatures are hard to spot in the wild, even when their whereabouts have been sign posted and hides set up for photographers, etc.  You wouldn't necessarily want to get too close to the males anyway, as their hind legs each have a hollow spur that can be used to inject venom. Rumour has it that some of our ancestors attempted to put platypus on the menu which, back in early settlement days, was rather lacking in variety.  I assume that everything was good until it came to the bill.
What d'ya mean I look strange? You're no Mr Universe yourself, bozo!
What d'ya mean I look strange? You're no Mr Universe yourself, bozo!
  • Cassowary - You’ll be extremely lucky to see one of these amazingly prehistoric looking birds in the wild (with their strikingly vivid blue face, red wattles hanging from their neck, and their hollow head casque) as they are generally quite shy, unless you stumble across a male with his brood of chicks. You see, mum tends to leave the old fella to sort out the brood's pecking order while she goes ’walkabout’. For a flightless bird you might say she can be quite flighty. Anyway, back to that chick protecting male. I came across an interesting sign while on a walking track frequented by cassowaries near Cairns many years ago, warning me to hold my back pack in front of my chest and belly and slowly walk backwards should I be ‘lucky’ enough to come across a big boy at close quarters. Cairns Council are obviously thinking of the nasty mess that your guts could make of their pristine environment, should Cassius Cassowary (all 2m high and 70kg of him) decide to open you up with any or all of the dagger-like claw tips on the massive three toes he sports on each muscular leg, in similar style to big red the bull roo.
Stay away from my chicks, mister, or I'll show you why they call me the head banger!
Stay away from my chicks, mister, or I'll show you why they call me the head banger!
  • Wombat - Now this is another interesting creature much loved by our visitors.  But how many of us know that their pouches (yes they're also marsupials) are upside down, permitting some degree of protection for their young when mum's tunnelling through soil to form their burrows. Furthermore, in spite of the fact that they don't wear string vests, their poo ends up being deposited as little cubes, rather than as well rounded dark chocolate Maltesers (again you just couldn't make this stuff up). The poo shape has seemingly evolved so that it doesn't easily roll away and thus marks their territory distinctively. I'd say, without a doubt, that these boys and girls are in the market for a little eau de perfum.
I'm a mathematical genius, as long as I keep eating cube roots.
I'm a mathematical genius, as long as I keep eating cube roots.
  • Echidna - These Aussie equivalents of the hedgehog are also egg laying mammals, like their monotreme order platypus cousins (doubtless several time removed). They may be hard to handle with their sharp spines, but at least they can't bite you, being entirely toothless.  They use their long snouts and tongue to slurp up termites … spiky little suckers! Then there's the young ones which are called puggles. Luckily they are hairless (and spineless) when they hatch from the egg and while suckling in their mother's pouch. I guess mum knows when it's time to evict them as they start to develop their quills at around 459 grams in weight … prickly little puggles!
Dey say der might be termites in dis mound.
Dey say der might be termites in dis mound.
  • Tassie Devil - These critters have had much bad press over the years due in part to their feeding habits (they are carnivorous marsupials) and their viciously sounding growls and other shocking table manners while fighting each other over their rare cuts of meat. It was mistakenly believed that they hunted down livestock in early settlement days and so they were almost hunted and poisoned out of existence. They have been a protected species since the 1940s but have fallen foul of a particularly readily transmissible and inevitably fatal facial tumour which threatens to wipe them out.  They are now only found wild in Tasmania, but luckily, there are many programmes which are breeding them in healthy isolation with the intention of releasing them back into the wild again hopefully. As their jaws can open to 80 degrees wide and can deliver the strongest bite for its size of any mammal in the world, they are hardly cute and cuddly.  Furthermore, they have a 'scent gland' used to mark territory with a very strong and repulsive odour, making them, like old mate wombat, another possible contender for hand-outs from the purveyors of eau de parfum.
Wanna join me for a bite, mister?
Wanna join me for a bite, mister?
  • Kookaburra - The “Merry, merry king of the woods” may indeed be Master Kookaburra, and well may he be named the “bushman's alarm clock”, as I will contest, much to my disappointment, when intent on sleeping in after a late night.  Funny though their distinctive cackle may sound to us, they are not actually laughing but issuing a warning to their neighbours to keep away.  Although the largest members of the kingfisher family, they don't actually eat fish and often prey on snakes, lizards, mice and insects. Such a diet is surely not much to laugh about.
Ok I'll laugh for you, mister, but whadya mean by, “gay your life must be”?  You don't even know me!
Ok I'll laugh for you, mister, but whadya mean by, “gay your life must be”?  You don't even know me!

That's It for Now, Folks

I've probably given you enough food for thought by now, so it's time to make up your own mind as to when, or even if, you'll make the journey ‘down under’ to the ‘lucky land' of Oz.

But if you do decide to come and stay awhile, then there's much to see beyond our dangerous critters and the more endearing ones (and I haven't even mentioned the dingo, numbat, bilby, quokka, wallaby, dugong and quoll).  So don't underestimate the time it'll take you to travel around our huge island continent and see why we consider ourselves so lucky, despite all these things that can kill us at the drop of a hat.

I can't somehow think of encouraging visitors to linger longer in our continent without remembering a small country pub I used to pass regularly while engaged on a dam building exercise in the Hunter Valley in NSW.  So I'll leave you with a picture of the famous Linga Longa country inn establishment where, like much of our fair land, the door's always open to visitors, the beer's always cold, and you'll receive a warm handshake and a smile, unless, as stated above, you should fail to buy a round of drinks when it's your turn.  

...................<<..................>>...................

When not researching the weird or the wonderful, the comical or the cultured, the sinful or the serious, I chase my creative side, the results of which can be seen as selected photographs of my travels on my website at:

http://ken-boddie.squarespace.com">http://ken-boddie.squarespace.com

The author of the above, Ken Boddie, besides being a sometime poet and occasional writer, is an enthusiastic photographer, rarely leisure-travelling without his Canon, and loves to interact with other like-minded people with diverse interests.

Ken's three day work week (part time commitment) as a consulting engineer allows him to follow his photography interests, and to plan trips to an ever increasing list of countries and places of scenic beauty and cultural diversity.

Comments

don kerr

2 years ago #18

Ken Boddie

2 years ago #17

don kerr

2 years ago #16

Ken Boddie

2 years ago #15

Robert Cormack

2 years ago #14

Quite the read, Ken. I'm not sure I'd go barefoot anywhere in Australia—even the shower.

Ken Boddie

2 years ago #13

Jerry Fletcher

2 years ago #12

Ken Boddie

2 years ago #11

don kerr

2 years ago #10

A delightful and insightful travelogue from my favourite Aussie guide @Ken Boddie Brought back memories from many years ago when, after being summarily dismissed from first year of Uni, a cousin offered me the opportunity to manage a new racquet club in Alice Springs. I declined…hormones and thoughts of love keeping me close to home…but have often wondered how life might have changed (or ended given the many dangers) had I moved. 

Ken Boddie

2 years ago #9

Ken Boddie

2 years ago #8

Ken Boddie

2 years ago #7

Ken Boddie

2 years ago #6

Jerry Fletcher

2 years ago #5

Thanks Ken. Thoroughly enjoyed!

Pascal Derrien

2 years ago #4

I thought it was the title of a song going linga linga !!!

Greg Rolfe

2 years ago #3

Thank you for the very enjoyable read!

Ken Boddie

2 years ago #2

Paul Walters

2 years ago #1

The Attenborough down under…Nice one Ken

Articles from Ken Boddie

View blog
1 year ago · 5 min. reading time

Kia ora, nau mai ki Aotearoa (Hello and welcome to the Land of the Long White Cloud). · It had been ...

2 years ago · 2 min. reading time

When I looked at this month's “New Civil Engineer” magazine on-line, I was immediately drawn to an a ...

2 years ago · 2 min. reading time

Call me unromantic. · Call me boringly down-to-earth. Call me cold, indifferent or dull, but will s ...

Related professionals

You may be interested in these jobs

  • Healthscope

    Associate Nurse Unit Manager

    Found in: Talent AU C2 - 1 day ago


    Healthscope Ringwood East, Australia Part time

    Are you a Registered Nurse with excellent interpersonal and customer service skills, and a passion for delivering high quality patient care? Ringwood Private Hospital is looking to employ an Associate Nurse Unit Manager for their Day Surgery Unit. Suitable applicants with the rig ...

  • EssilorLuxottica Group

    Retail Associate

    Found in: Talent AU C2 - 1 day ago


    EssilorLuxottica Group Booragoon, Australia

    WHO WE ARE · We are EssilorLuxottica, a global leader in the design, manufacture and distribution of ophthalmic lenses, frames and sunglasses. The Company brings together the complementary expertise of two industry pioneers, one in advanced lens technologies and the other in the ...

  • ACRWORLD

    Contract Administrator

    Found in: Talent AU C2 - 1 day ago


    ACRWORLD New South Wales, Australia Full time

    Develop your career working directly under the Director. · Family owned business with a friendly and inclusive team culture. · Competitive Salary: Up to $120,000 · The Company · A family-owned company specialising in fit-out, refurbishments and maintenance, from small minor works ...