The Sound of Leather on Willow

"I don't like cricket, oh no, 
I love it."10cc and Dreadlock Holiday

So why is cricket so maligned, even in countries where it is revered by so many? Is it perhaps that the rules of this virtually religious cult game, original dreamed up by the Poms, are so complex as to be totally incomprehensible to the rest of the world, or is it simply that it's treated by non-participants as a form of magical Juju dance?  Certainly, when the eleven fielders, two batsmen and two umpires come marching out onto the oval, there is a certain mystique involved in the due process of preparing for play.  

Incidentally, I have heard it said, particularly by non-cricket enthusiasts, that the game was invented by the Poms, who are not a particularly spiritual people, in order that they may have some conception of eternity.

Three identical stumps of wood are inserted vertically at either end of the pitch (which is a specially short-mowed and rolled, linear section in the middle of the oval) with two horizontal bails placed atop each set of stumps.  These wooden accoutrements (three stumps and two bails in total) are referred as the wicket, or sometimes just as the stumps.  Essentially the game proceeds with a few specially preselected players on one side taking it in turns to bowl six times from one set of stumps to the other set of stumps, while the other side provides a batsman, with a traditional bat made from willow wood,  who attempts to prevent the leather-bound ball from hitting the stumps.

There are actually two batsmen, one at each end of the pitch.  The batsman defending his wicket from the hurling or spinning prowess of the bowler (see below), is referred as being 'on strike', no matter how active or docile he may appear to be, but rarely has any affiliation with union movements.

Sounds quite simple, doesn't it?  In reality, however, the bowler comes from one of two main schools of practiced lunacy as follows:

• Pace Bowler - This fella, who is often long and lanky and fit as a fiddle, takes a long run up to one end of the pitch and lets fly with this hard leather ball at the batsman at the other end of the pitch, as fast and hard as he can, with the intention of getting him 'out'. This 'out' process can be achieved in several ways, such as (i) by the ball missing the batsman, his bat, his various fragile limbs, head and torso, and directly hitting the stumps and the bails with them; or (ii) by the batsman being fortunate enough to get bat on ball, after which one of the ten other players on the bowler's team, or indeed the bowler himself, actually catches said ball before it hits the ground; or (iii) by the batsman being run out (this occurs when ball hits bat then rebounds off in one or other direction without being caught, thus permitting the two batsmen, one at each end of the pitch, to run hell for leather between stumps, thus acquiring 'runs', and one player, any player, throws the ball to hit one of the sets of stumps before the batsman closest to that set of stumps can reach them) ... simple really; or (iv) by the batsman being hit 'leg before wicket' (when he is so careless as to have his spindly little legs prevent the ball from hitting the stumps); or (v) by being knocked senseless by a direct hit to the person and either being 'out for the count' or retiring hurt. The last example is rare indeed these days, as the batsmen wear protective pads to cover their spindly legs and knees, a helmet to protect their head, and a specially shaped guard, inserted down the inside of their pantaloons, to ensure that the lineage of future cricketers will continue. Incidentally, there is no such term as 'crown jewels before wicket', painful though it may be.
• Spin Bowler - This guy, who is often more podgy than lanky, and perhaps built more for comfort than speed,  takes a much shorter run up than the pace bowler, and lets the ball fly from his grasp with much less whizzbang and gusto.  He has, however, mastered the craft of spinning the ball with magical twists of his fingers, so that, once it bounces in front of the batsman, it will undoubtedly deviate from the original line, hopefully completely bamboozle the batsman, catch an edge off the bat and then, hopefully, be caught by one of the 'slips' or the 'wicketkeeper' (more on this later).

There are complications and exceptions to this general status, but, for simplicity and understanding, let's just say that each team must go all in until they're all out, twice, or until it rains.

Furthermore, the bowler or any of the fielding side may 'take the wicket' of a batsman.  This does not mean that they are all  a bunch of raving kleptomaniacs, but refers to the act of getting one or other batsmen 'out'.

Now that I've given you the rudiments and the overall objectives of the game, let's look at some of the crazy names that have been dreamt up for some of the fielding positions (excluding the batsmen and the bowler), as follows:

• Wicket Keeper - This is the man whose main purpose in cricket is to stop the ball from heading towards the boundary behind the batsman, should the latter fail to hit it, or should the ball fail to hit the wicket.  Thus, the 'wicket keeper' is invariably the backstop, unless there is someone, doubtless renowned for having shapely lower limbs, playing at 'fine leg' (see top right of above diagram). Because the 'wicket keeper' invariably aims to catch most of the balls thrown at the stumps, he is given a pair of special gloves, to assist him in catching and to prevent him having to count his digits after each ball has been bowled (any broken ones are neatly retained inside said gloves). He is also duly fitted out with leg pads.  As he often crouches with his legs open, he also wears protection to maintain the future lineage of wicket keepers. Contrary to common belief, the 'wicker keeper' is not responsible for taking the stumps and bails (ie wicket) home with him, tending to them, rubbing them with linseed oil and polishing then, unless he has a particular wood fetish.
• Slips - These are the guys standing very close to the 'wicket keeper', who are also chosen for their ball-catching prowess, and because they are good mates with the 'wicket keeper' and invariably enjoy a chat. There are, depending upon the fielding tactics, often more than one of then, in which case they are referred as 'first slip', 'second slip', etc, depending upon how close to (and hence well liked by) the 'wicket keeper' they are.  This numerical order is not a tally with respect to how many times they've missed a catch, or fallen over on the wet grass, no matter how many such slips they may have made.
• Off side and On side, or Off side and Leg side - The terms 'off' and 'on' or alternatively 'off' and 'leg' are used before some fielding positions, to denote whether they are positioned on the batsman's right side (ie 'off' side) or the batsman's left side (ie 'on' or 'leg' side).  This applies only to a right handed batsman.  If the batsman is left handed then everything moves around and his 'leg' is still 'on', although it may be off if the fast bowler has anything to do with it.  Cricket, being a gentleman's game, does not recognise the batsman's backside, even thought the 'wicket keeper' spends an inordinate amount of time staring at it.
• Deep or Long, Short and Silly - the terms 'deep' and 'long' are used to modify fielding positions further away from the batsman, with 'short' being closer to the batsman.  These modifiers have no bearing whatsoever on the thinking prowess or height of the fielder.  The term 'silly', however, is almost self explanatory, as this is applied to a fielder who is positioned very close to the batsman (eg 'silly point', 'silly mid-on') and hence becomes an easy target when the batsman hits the ball.  Although he is given a helmet, he has no special gloves and hence, unlike the 'wicket keeper' invariably has to check the number of digits he retains in between balls bowled.
• Deep Backward Square Leg - I've specifically selected this fielding position as it is important to note that cricket is an amiable sport, played by gentlemen who bear absolutely no malice or discrimination towards either the mentally or physically handicapped.  It should be recognised, however, that anyone who is regularly asked to play in this position (and hence close to the boundary) along with other boundary positions, such as 'fine leg', 'deep mid wicket', 'long-off', 'deep extra cover' or 'third man', should think long and hard about investing in some mints or breath fresheners.

So there we have it, a fool's guide to the game of cricket.  For the more sporting challenged amongst you, please feel free to ask more in the comments section below, or for the more self assured, I encourage you to show off your knowledge by expanding upon the above rudiments, but please be aware that there's a quiz for all participants and the winner will be given a set of free bails, which, of course, equates to a set of temporary 'get out of jail free' cards.

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When not researching the weird or the wonderful, the comical or the cultured, the sinful or the serious, I chase my creative side, the results of which can be seen as selected photographs of my travels on my website at:

http://ken-boddie.squarespace.com

The author of the above, Ken Boddie, besides being a sometime poet and occasional writer, is an enthusiastic photographer, rarely leisure-travelling without his Canon, and loves to interact with other like-minded people with diverse interests.

Ken's three day work week (part time commitment) as a consulting engineer allows him to follow his photography interests, and to plan trips to an ever increasing list of countries and places of scenic beauty and cultural diversity.